Flattery Will Get You

I have a brother who is three years younger than me. We don't have much of a relationship. He believes women should home school their children and submit to the God given authority of men. He doesn't believe that my family is a real family. It's tough for us to find common ground and therefore it's just best that we don't talk very often. While not at all at the same level, our lack of relationship might also have something to do with fact that I wasn't very kind to him when we were young children.

I could get my little brother to do anything if I would first just boost up his ego. When he was in first grade and I was in third I told him that he was so good at untying knots that he could untie any knot. I convinced him that no matter how hard I tried, I probably could not tie him to a tree in a way that he couldn't escape. He agreed and let me tie him to a big pine tree that was beside our garage. The tree was hidden from the sightline of my mother who was undoubtedly was inside cleaning something. I used a long rope and wrapped him up like a mummy and then ran off to play something else. Eventually and I sincerely hope that it wasn't hours later, one of the neighbors called my mother and asked why her son was tied to a tree.

A few years later he was riding his bike in front of our house. I exclaimed that he was riding so fast that I probably couldn't throw a tennis ball and hit him. He took the bet. I let him ride by once and intentionally missed. He gloated. I told him that I needed another try. I then spent the rest of the afternoon hitting him with tennis balls as he tried with all of his might to go as fast as he had that first time.

As many Christmases as I can remember, I also remember tricking him into telling me what gift he had purchased for me. I found out the exact gift that he was longing for. I feigned hard-nosed negotiations and then finally "caved" by agreeing to tell him first what I had purchased. I fed him the lie and he gave up his secret. Every year.

Since this is a blog and not a book, I'll stop with those examples. I have many, many, many more. I'm not proud that I treated my brother in this way. Truth be told, I still do chuckle about a few of these situations. Mostly though they were mean-spirited pranks. I would be absolutely furious if one of my kids did these types of things to their siblings. However, if I discovered this type of behavior, I would counsel the naive one, the one who was tricked into giving up their secret or goaded into getting pegged with a tennis ball.

I would tell my child that they shouldn't be fooled by flattery. I would tell them that they should know themselves and their limitations so that no one else can define them. I would tell them that not all flattery is bad and not everyone who uses it means you harm. But, ultimately you must decide what is in your best interest and you should never let anyone else convince you otherwise. You see, the problem isn't with the person doing the asking. It is up to you. It is all about how you respond.

I want them to walk away from a challenge to jump their bikes off a ramp. I want them to laugh at double dog dares to walk across the top of the monkey bars. I want them to be secure enough to say no to things that don't feel right in their soul. Eventually I want them to be able to make the decision to stay home from a party if they are exhausted. I want them to say no to playing a sport if it interferes with studying. I want them to choose God and choose church. Those will have to be their decisions if they are to mean anything.

And while I'm on my high horse lecturing my children, I hope that I stop for a moment and listen to what I'm saying.

As I have said no less than a hundred times before, I spent a number of years feeling shunned from the church. So when people from my wonderful church asked me to participate in task forces, committees and boards I was absolutely flattered. When I was asked to be an elder and serve on our Governing Board I was flattered and humbled that anyone would consider me wise and faith-filled enough.

If there were a neon option in this program, I would turn it on for these next statements. The people doing the asking meant me no harm. The responsibility for saying no was clearly mine. I let flattery get in the way of good judgment. It felt so good that someone found me valuable, I was willing to sacrifice anything in order to please.

Last week I was once again flattered and humbled when I was offered to opportunity to serve in another way. I prayed for guidance. If I were being perfectly honest, I would say the prayers on my lips were "help me know if this is right." Unfortunately the prayer of my heart often was "help me find a way to say yes." When I thought about saying yes a wave of nauseousness swept over my body. When I thought about saying no, there was a sense of relief. I took that as my answer.

I am flattered that someone found me worthy. I am secure enough to say no.