That Mother

Plastered on a downtown bus is an advertisement for an apartment rental company that reads: "Your mother knows where you live. It's time to move." I chuckled when I first read that. Then I realized that I was closer to being "that mother" than I was to being the one who needed to relocate. It then became a lot less funny.

This week we registered our middle child for kindergarten. On our way into the school we saw a friend who had just registered the youngest of her four children. Once we were close enough to make eye contact with her, she pumped her fist in the air and said "God Bless America! My youngest will be in kindergarten." Once inside the school we saw nervous moms and dads who were confronting this stage for the first time. That was us two years ago. We aren't quite at the fist pump yet but we've moved past the nervousness and dread.

Two years ago we dutifully gathered the papers necessary for kindergarten registration: Peyton's birth certificate, our mortgage papers, a recent utility bill, a ream of paper worth of forms that we had completed prior to registration day. Getting organized was the easy part. Walking across the threshold of the school was more difficult. We were excited for our oldest daughter. She was thrilled to begin this next phase. I was scared beyond rational thought.

I had visions of sending my baby into the cold, harsh reality of public school. Who would comfort when she fell down? What if there were bullies? Would she be confident enough to ask for help if she didn't understand algebra?

All of our children have been in a daycare/pre-school situation since they were about six-weeks-old. We have handed over our children to be cared for by strangers and for the most part it has been a good experience. I absolutely refuse to debate the merits of stay-at-home parenting versus day care centers. I believe that most parents do what's right for their family.

When we started Peyton in daycare I freaked out completely on the first day. I couldn't be the one to drop her off; Beth had to do it. I had fears that the daycare workers wouldn't know her cries or how she liked to be held or how she like to be burped. They figured it out. I came to value their feedback and suggestions. Long ago I gave up the illusion that I was the only one who knew about and could care for my babies.

What I eventually figured out about Peyton's first school experience is that kindergarten teachers are a special group. They liberally hug. In addition to academics they spend a fair amount of time teaching about kindness and respect. They didn't get to algebra but Peyton learned to read and by the end of the year had a pretty good grasp of beginning math.

Beth has been in elementary education all of her career. She knew these things. She did her best to convince me but there are somethings that I had to experience in order to believe. I really should do a better job of trusting her wisdom

Several years ago I heard a quote that has changed the way I view parenting. Marian Wright Edelman is the founder and president of the Children's Defense Fund. She says: "Children can't be what they can't see." This goes deeper than the adages about "actions speaking louder than words." We are raising three African American children and it is important that they see themselves reflected in our doctors and lawyers and teachers. One day about mid-way through kindergarten Peyton informed me that she could be a teacher. I confirmed that she could be anything she wanted to be; it's a common refrain in our house. Peyton replied: "Yep, I know. Miss Watson is brown just like me."

Now more than any other time in my life, I now have friends representing all the life stages. It isn't about their ages. I have a 55-year-old friend who is dealing with junior high woes and a 50 something friend with a child getting married. I have friends who are contemplating children and friends in the throes of adoption anticipation. I am friends with new grandparents and grandparents who have been celebrating this stage for quite a while.

I am surrounded by all manner of good examples on thriving throughout the various stages. I think my favorite quote should be expanded to "people can't be what they can't see." I want the parents of first time kindergartners to remind me of that even though I've been through this with Peyton, Bennett and Emerson have not and I need to make it a special time for them. I want advice from the parents who are living through the angst of junior high kids. I want to work through the process with my friend who is about to walk a daughter down the aisle and into a new family structure.

Most of all, between now and the time when my kids get their first apartment, I want to figure out how not to be "that mother" they would try to avoid through relocation.