Darn Squirrels!

I'm a bird watcher. No, not that kind of bird watcher. I don't have binoculars and a little book that identifies the various types. I do not take hikes or keep notebooks of obscure birds that I see. I live in the suburbs and have a yard with trees; so I have a couple of bird feeders that I like to watch.

This spring Beth bought me a bird feeder that looks like a white clapboard church. It has tiny stained glass windows and a tall steeple. She said most likely it will be a long time before I have a church of my own and this would have to do for now.

Before I got the church bird feeder I didn't consider squirrels to be my enemy. Don't get me wrong, I've never liked them. I happen to think they are yard rats with bushier tails but I was willing to live a peaceful existence alongside them. With my other feeders the birds would sloppily drop some seeds to the ground and the squirrels would clean up. I considered the squirrels to be gleaners and it seemed like the Christian thing to let them have the seeds that were left behind by the birds.

Unfortunately the squirrels forgot their place when the church feeder was introduced to the backyard. They leapt from the fence to the tree and then onto the church. Once atop the church they didn't just eat the sunflower seeds that I had lovingly selected to attract cardinals, they also chewed on the church. All of the sudden there were tiny teeth marks on my tall steeple. Then they used their weight to rock the church back and forth spilling all the seeds onto the ground.

At first when I discovered the bushy-tailed rodents attacking my church I shooed them away with a loud clap. I escalated to a startling yell. It wasn't long before I was secretly fantasizing about purchasing a slingshot and shooting the squirrels with dried kidney beans--you know something small enough to sting but not actually kill.

Finally I remembered that I have a job and a family and that it was logistically impossible for me to guard the bird feeder all day and night. So I didn't refill the feeder. I knew that the squirrels would leave it alone if there wasn't any food available.

The squirrels left to go terrorize some other neighbor and predictably the birds stopped coming as well. I had beaten the squirrels but had lost something in the victory.

It would be easy for me to use this lesson to sanctimoniously declare that churches should let the Gays be full participants. My church already does that and I'm grateful. I'm more inclined to figure out who the squirrels are in my own life. They are probably the people who lament about how the church was so much better back in the day--back when moms stayed at home with the kids and were available to teach VBS during the day. Most likely my squirrels are the people use their weight to rock things by starting sentences with "I've been a member here for a lot of years and...." Or maybe it is those who stay home on the Sundays when the Praise Team is singing and the ones who complain about any music that wasn't written prior to the early 1900's. I could go on and on about the squirrels in my world. And, I'm pretty sure that I'm an irritating pest to a number of people as well. That's the thing about backyards and communities.

Recently I was walking around the block and saw that one of my neighbors had an actual squirrel feeder. Yes, they were intentionally attracting squirrels to their yard. Not only that, they had a menagerie of occupied bird feeders. I went home and filled my church.

It would be hypocritical for me to profess that I won't ever fantasize about slingshots--particularly during some church meetings. Hopefully before I buy one, I'll remember the birds and the squirrels and how sometimes you lose something just when you foolishly claim victory.